Few hours later, another call, this time a chap. Says I must be mad not to want a mobile phone as how can anyone live without one these days? So I explain once again that I really don't need it. He offers a non-contract pay-as-you-go sim card so I say yes, that's okay. He says "I'll put that on the notes on the computer and hope that my colleagues see it."

A week goes by and no pay-as-you-go sim arrives but not really bothered. Then comes phone call number 3, same lady as first time round who goes into the upgrade waffle routine again. I explain I have already had two calls and have cancelled the contract. At first she says "Have you put this in writing?" before saying, "Oh yes, I can see a note on the computer. Sorry for troubling you."
Next day the phone is off-service and no sim card has arrived. Fast forward to June 3 when a letter arrives from 3 mobile.
Dear Pound Shop Peter
Thanks for choosing to upgrade. Your new contract will start on June 10th. We will send you your new phone just before and thanks for choosing our Internet Talker package at £28 per month.

Your sincerely
Halfwit Mobile
Anyway, I fired off a very sarcastic letter to them which basically said JUST YOU TRY IT and told them Trading Standards & the media would be informed if they did ...
I will keep you posted if more chaos ensues but advise you to be careful if you have a contract with them which is due to end.