Last night I had my first gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home.
They didn't get any of my jokes, ...... but they still wet themselves.
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I was at Tesco this afternoon when a lady dropped dead in front of me.
I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a 'Bag For Life'.
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A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you !'