Retired husband

[Spuffler]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
ASDA. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local ASDA:


Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. 15 June: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. 2 July: Set all the alarm clocks in Houseware to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. 19 July : Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,'Code 3 in Houseware.Deal with
it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station
and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

4. 4 August: Went to the Service Desk and tried to pay for a bag of M&Ms with a Credit Card

5. 14 August : Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. 15 August : Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite
them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

7. 23 August : When an assistant asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?' Paramedics were called.

8. 4 September : Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose

9. 10 September : While handling air rifles in the sports department, he asked the assistant where the
antidepressants were.

10. 3 October : Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible'
theme.

11. 6 October : In the auto spares department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of
funnels.

12. 18 October : Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

13. 22 October: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and
screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

14. Took a box of condoms to the checkout desk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

15. 23 October : Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very
loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the assistants passed out.