Blondes...

(no racial sterotyping or sexually explicit language please)

Blondes...

Postby dutchman » Sat Nov 21, 2009 12:51 am

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
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Re: Blondes...

Postby rebbonk » Sat Nov 21, 2009 2:36 am

One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.
They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.
She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"
The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"
The blonde responded: "Paris?"
So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"
The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.
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Re: Blondes...

Postby dutchman » Sat Nov 21, 2009 2:42 am

:lol:

Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it
In.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you
Throwing those nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
Them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't
Defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
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Re: Blondes...

Postby pollyanna » Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:34 am

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for
some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has
been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis
and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde. 'Do you

have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the
pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and

reads out loud from the container ...


'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
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Re: Blondes...

Postby rebbonk » Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:35 pm

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.
None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."

"What's the picture of?" he asks.

"It's of a big rooster," she replies.

"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads
him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out.

He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and
says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling
a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you
to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he
sighed, "...let's put all these cornflakes back in the box."
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Re: Blondes...

Postby rebbonk » Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:36 pm

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in
the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one
stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one
is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - *poof*
- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never
to be seen again.

Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the
Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I
think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - -
*poof* The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror
and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - -
*poof* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands
before the mirror and says, "I think..." - - - *poof*
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Re: Blondes...

Postby dutchman » Sat Nov 21, 2009 4:38 pm

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
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Re: Blondes...

Postby dutchman » Tue Dec 08, 2009 9:25 pm

A contestant, Sally, on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?Is it: A) The condor B) The buzzard C) The cuckoo D) The vulture? The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.She hoped she would not have to use it because....Well, her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative.She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast... She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one thather friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had respondedwith such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.''Is that your final answer?''Yes, that is my final answer.''That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you?" said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
''Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests... "

Spoiler:
"...They live in clocks.'
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Re: Blondes...

Postby rebbonk » Wed Dec 09, 2009 6:31 am

Bob walked into a bar at 9:58. He sat down next to a blonde. The 10:00 PM news was just coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed £20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took her money
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Re: Blondes...

Postby pollyanna » Wed Dec 16, 2009 8:18 am

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided
to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby
well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house,
and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much
will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about
$50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb
blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
her along with a $10.00 tip.
"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch; it's a Lexus
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