The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a bl**dy wand! What do I want with a bl**dy wand?"
"It's not just any wand, my love," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"
"Really?" she said, "What's it do?"
"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words.
"Okay," She said shaking the wand, "Abracadabra!"
"B*gger me love!" I said peering down the side of the bed, "You're not going to believe this."
"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.
I said,